Tell me how much worse my night can get

It finally sank in today.

So the U in Math wasn't really that 'okay' after all.

Honestly thought that my act of staying back til 5pm, then 7pm, was foolish. That was until, your one sentence struck me. About how this scholarship isn't just about the past achievements but the future, that it wasn't for me to catch up on my studies but to help other people out with theirs. Probably the most influential statement you've made within the entire 2 hours. But, damn. There's this sunken feeling, where you suddenly feel so small, so insignificant and hope to disappear, but obviously can't. Suddenly there's these feelings of uselessness, powerlessness, of shame. And then it became clear how much harder I've got to wok in order to get everything back in order, or at least, on track.

You know how seniors always tended to tell you how you should be prepared to fail in JC, that it isn't easy? But there's still always this little glimmer of hope within you, no matter how small, thinking that maybe you'll be that One that did not fail, that One that made it out with straight As all the way. But when you realise it isn't true; that you've fallen, they those feelings of dejectedness and disappointment come creeping up enveloping you.

So I feel useless, I feel stupid, I feel disappointed, I feel ashamed.

But so what. What am I going to do about it? Work harder from now on? Or continue the way I'm living right now? No, I can't. Obviously not. Thought alot today. Felt remorseful alot today. There were many things I could have done differently, many consequences which I'll be facing changed. So I guess now's the time to really buck up and start turning those Wrongs to Rights. Can't afford to deteriorate anymore, can I? Can't. Can't. Can't.

Gotta pull up those socks.

So I'm up now blogging, too regretful to be sleepy. This is so hard to do.