Freshmen no more

It's the start of summer, and the official end of one academic year. 

That's one year down and three more years to go. But more than that, it is also a year closer to finding out what i want to do and work towards achieving my dream job; also the end of one tumultaneous year; also the end of using the excuse of unfamiliarity and experimentation as an excuse for the lack of initiative and more. 

So to sum it up, i think it's fair to say that it's been a tough year - tough in the aspects of having a rough start, tough in the aspects of prioritising and juggling responsibilities, tough in the aspect of managing expectations and most of all, tough in the aspect of staying grounded and not committing the same mistakes all over again. 

Having a rocky start sure wasnt the most pleasant beginning of university life. Perhaps it enhanced the feeling of being propelled into a world of unknown and uncertainties - a world that after a whole academic year, am still grappling and fumbling to understand, to acknowledge and to survive. Being thrust into such a situation sure wasnt what i was expecting. But going with a bad start meant more than what happened with hq, but also putting trust in the wrong places, perceiving things with too naive thoughts. Not sure if it was so because of the momentary empty feeling during that period or because of the lack of exposure to the vices and ironies of the world or due to the overly sheltered position in nj and at home (which actly i think all three played a part each, and perhaps there were even more factors but the point is there). 

Getting closer with br sorta gave the sense of belonging and purpose to uni life i suppose - considering that there was always a reason to meet up with them or that it was convenient to do so. Getting closer to cs also had its pros and cons - but over time, i'm not too sure anymore what this feeling is. Perhaps fancy and fondness might have developed, judging from the occasional waves of disappointment and hurt i feel, but whether this attachment should be pursued, i'm really at a crossroad and more often than not, i dont know what to do. So br and cs took up much of the first year. From study sessions to suppers, night outings and roundings, movie dates and trekking, it gets quite hard to comprehend really what this feeling of dependence and attachment means. Sometimes it feels similar to being with hq- the feeling of excitement, the want to please, the feeling of happiness and bliss, but also the fear of being disliked, the fear of being annoyed of, the feeling of being looked down upon and neglected. Sometimes i cant figure what he really feels towards me and what he sees me at and sometimes it hurts so bad my whole body quivers and my eyes water up and my heart burns but there is no answer and i am afraid of the answer. Sometimes its like im afraid of being the bugger being the third wheeler being used. Who likes to be used. But sometimes it feels as if i willingly let myself be used, be hurt, be cut like a million times on the inside. And i wonder why. Yet if so, why do i hesitate to accept? Maybe its because im afraid it could be one-sided. Perhaps it is now. But i'll never know. It's like i've been constantly reminding myself nowadays that there are days and prospects and opportunities outside of cs and remain there for you to grab onto them when you have the courage to take that step out. But i need to take that step out and believe that things will be ok. That clinging on and continuously giving doesnt do all that good. And at the same time, opportunities wont be there forever. There is a life beyond cs and that is a life i need to make for myself. So toughen up and stride on. If things are meant to be, they will be. Perhaps this was one of the biggest mistakes i made when with hq, and also one of my worst habits and tendency but with each step they will be better- they must better. 

Growing up is a cruel game. Sometimes it leads you up the wrong ladder, sometimes it drags you down for reasons you cannot even explain, but these are the times to stay strong and keep faith and hold on tight. 

Cs no doubt has played a big part, but whether he will continue to be there cannot be certain and there you have no forever to wait for him. So let's try our best to move forward one step at a time onwards to brighter horizons. We're gonna make this work, now and forever. 

As for ssm, let's just see where it brings us on towards.