Vesak 2558

Finally, it's Vesak.

And perhaps an excuse to go back to the one place I've always silently held a connection with - albeit a connection i cannot exactly describe how it is like.

Going down early and helping out in the kitchen, speaking with some of the kids with no reservations, hanging around with yongwei and peiting..it's been a long time. And time flies.

Watching the kids take up new responsibilities and growing up fills me with a sense of pride and joy, even though i wasn't part of the growth; even though i wish i had been; even though it sort of hurts to know that the world moves on with/without you; even though despite it all, it is really a wish to see the group growing in strength, regardless of numbers, regardless of doubts, regardless the number of challenges thrown at them. Perhaps there'll be one day i could confidently said 'we' again. Perhaps.

I saw from the corner of eye that you were standing right in front me cutting the cucumbers when at the back kitchen and i did not look up; i refused to look up until you went away. I avoided the main area because i knew you were there. But i eventually went out. Although for the briefest moment before finally stepping out, there i was having a minute of mental shutdown and with a deep breath. Then there were a few accidental moments we had direct eye contact but my eyes would flee away as fast as it 'hit'. Then there was the all smiley and high-pitched cheerful greeting from the partner which lost me for a moment as i didn't know how to respond.

And after all this, i don't still quite know what that fear is. What fear is this? or is this a fear at all?

Yet then again, to put it very bluntly as cs did "If awkward then why go; If go then don't awkward."

Know i got a little pissed off when i first read it - mostly for all the bluntness and lack of sensitivity combined together in two very short phrases. Yet i guess therein lies some truth, although to what extent, remains debatable.

And i guess with this day there was a realisation that there still is a part of me that hasn't grown up and doesn't know how to face the world.

It's a funny thing you know - growing up?



After thought //
Wait, so were again did i suddenly take to recording all of today's details down? Are you so significant to warrant me a reflection of my day's event?!

Right, no. It was because it was like going back 'home'. And i wanted to remember how it'd be like finally returning home. For the warm smiles and welcoming phrases and conversations with shixiong, zeming, yong wei, pei ting and some of the kids. For these people, i suppose it is worth it - worth the momentary awkwardness, worth the strength and worth the courage.