Today, i thought about us

Maybe today is one of those days, that come and go and come again.

Today i thought about us.The prospect of us. Could there be a chance we might end up together? or will all these just be part of a summer fling, a time-consumer, a passing love..

Even at the prospect of us really being together, i cannot quite phantom what will become. Like the fears of not being able to have the strength and courage to live a life i truly want to live (what if it is at your disapproval, lack of support), or even being judged for life.

Would my heart be strong enough to accept the likes and love i think i deserve, or should it still remain wrapped up in its blankets, buried deep within the recesses of what is left beneath my chest?

Okay, let's face it: I am afraid. So afraid.

Not too sure how to give wholeheartedly anymore without fear of heartbreaks, wasted time and judgmental looks. Not too sure how to manage this whole too-many-mutual-friends-thing while keeping up with the image that consumes the position i uphold in this club we both have spent so much time on.

I thought about us.

And my heart gave a tear-jerking shudder i cannot describe what or how or why. The uncertainty is immense and idk if im still capable of loving the way i did, of giving the way i did.

Perhaps i have trust issues.

Half the time i imagine this beating blood red muscle being stepped, trampled and stomped on. But being put through the test gets it stronger. So here we go, one step at a time. just as we had decided just 3 months earlier.


But for the record, and the reminder, let's just end with this:
"We accept the love we think we deserve"







// Edit 10.25pm:
So i saw the old post. And what comes to mind was the three cold months of summer that we spent most of the time apart - that i thought i might tear apart each time i thought about you again. And jsut at the moment i decided that it would be enough, and it was time to get over my own feelings, there it came again - one national day eve, one text message, and all the memories turned into realities again. And I remembered the feeling of nervousness to meet you one-on-one again, the fast heartbeat, playing of fingernails, and all the scenarios of what to say running through my head i must have looked like a floating vessel. Suddenly weekday nights after school and weekends were filled with you all over again, as if the 3 months of summer were nothing but an illusion. perhaps it was..a figment of my imagination..of my oversensitiveness.. but let's just move on from here. Shut these thoughts up and live life as it should be.

(it is so tough finding myself each time i lose myself i just wish i could curl up into a ball and disappear)

(there is so much I and myself nowadays it is getting so disgusting)